My original idea for this post was to list five or so things that I learned this year. However, after watching a video by one of my favorite YouTubers about end of the year reflection, I decided to follow her example and ponder the following questions:

Where were you this time last year?

The holiday had pretty much ended, so my family was done visiting extended family so we were back home taking down Christmas decorations and getting ready for the new year.

Where are you know?

I was only able to visit my maternal grandmother twice this semester, and we always spend Christmas with her, so I extended my stay with her by a few days. I got her a Kindle Fire tablet for Christmas and have been showing her how to use it and it’s been pretty fun helping her pick out different apps.

If you could describe the year in three words, what would they be?

Change, Clarity, and Freeing

What are you grateful for?

I’m actually currently doing a 7 Days of Gratitude Challenge on my Instagram. So far, I’ve listed my grandmother because she’s a great source of comfort for me, the color burgundy because it’s my power color, and my parents because they do so much for me and my sister, and an immense improvement in my mental health.

What goals did you accomplish?

I fell out of the habit of making New Years’ resolutions in middle school, but I’ve wanted to try to be more positive and this year was a great year for that.

What goals did you not accomplish?

There was a pretty slim chance of this happening anyway, but I really wanted to graduate a semester early. At the time, I was just feeling really stressed out with school and overwhelmed, but now I’m really glad that I’m graduating on schedule in May.

What brought the most joy in 2017?

Music. So much good music. So much good live music. I went to my first concert in February and then my second in September. There’s such a great sense of community at concerts. Everyone is there for the same thing, to have a good time, and we all have something in common, which is the artist on stage.

What new habits have you acquired?

I think more positively now and embrace the little quirks that make me who I am rather than belittling myself for them.

What old habits are you leaving behind?

My self-deprecating sense of humor.

What do you want to achieve in 2018?

I want to finish out my last semester of college strong, continue to make progress with my mental health and self acceptance, and make more time to read.

My Mental Health Story

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder my senior year of high school. Having dealt with the symptoms since elementary school, I wasn’t really surprised. I started seeing a psychiatrist and was put on medication, but was still left with a long list of concerns. Would I be okay to start university in the fall? How do I explain this to my friends? Do I even tell them? Would I have to deal with this for the rest of my life?

When classes began in the fall, I fell into a good rhythm of going to class, studying, and occasionally hanging out with friends. I’d even gotten involved with the student newspaper and dedicated the majority of my free time to it. Everything seemed to be going okay until they weren’t.

Around mid-October, my illnesses became too much for me to handle. It felt like I was submerged underwater with a ball and chain holding me down. Getting out of bed in the morning and attempting to go about my day was a chore. I wasn’t sleeping, so it was impossible to focus in class, and I started distancing myself from my friends. The worst part of it all though? The irrational thoughts that played on a loop in my head all day began to eclipse the rational ones.

I started seeing a counselor on campus, and together we tried to pinpoint what had triggered the emotional rut I was in but came up with nothing. Since then, every year around the same time, the rut comes back and hits harder than the year before. Junior year was the worst.

It’s a terrifying thing to hear a voice that sounds like you in your head telling you to end your life. I had a plan and was going to act on it, but I forced myself to contact my campus counselor and tell her what I was going to do. Within an hour, I was back home and preparing to be checked into a behavioral health facility.

I had been diagnosed for three years, was on a medication regimen, and regularly saw both a counselor and psychiatrist, but was not getting any better. It was then that I had begun to think that there was more to my diagnosis and I was right.

After switching psychiatrists this past summer and being reevaluated, I received a new diagnosis. The heightened depression and anxiety, restlessness, insomnia, “hypomanic” episodes: they were all textbook symptoms of bipolar II.

It was such a relief to finally be able to put the right name to the chemical imbalance in my brain. From there, things have progressed on a steady incline. I’m on the right combination of medication now, make time for self-care every day, and I continue to see my counselor on campus once a week.

This year’s rut came a went with a few bad days and some tears, but the good days outnumbered them. Even now there are still some dark moments, but I can pull myself out of them. And the irrational thoughts? They’re just murmurs in the back of my mind.

Top Artists of 2017

2017 was a pretty good year for music. Many of my favorite musicians came back with new projects with some being just what I expected and others a pleasant surprise. Instead of making a list of my favorite songs from this year, I thought I’d highlight my favorite artists and the projects that they put out.

Lana Del Rey "Lust For Life"

When Lana released “Love”, the first single off of the album, many fans were surprised at how it was almost a complete 180 from her usual sound. Whereas her older albums had a more melancholy, sad girl-bad girl vibe, Lust For Life is more thought-provoking and…happier? Don’t get me wrong, she stays true to her aesthetic with songs like 13 Beaches but you can’t help but vibe with the album’s title track featuring The Weeknd. The album also features some hip-hop influences, particularly in Summer Bummer featuring A$AP Rocky and Playboi Carti. 

Lorde "Melodrama"

I think I was most excited for Lorde’s follow-up to Pure Heroine and she did not disappoint. Pure Heroine introduced us to a new style of pop music and quickly became an international success. As much as I want to find the similarities between Melodrama and Pure Heroine, I can’t. Melodrama truly displays her growth as an artist and a songwriter and she lays herself out on every track with the vulnerability that drips from every track. I’ve just now gotten to the point where I can listen to Liability without tearing up.

Whether it was intentional or not, I love that she ended the album with Perfect Places. It’s a punctuation mark of contentment.

Frank Ocean

I hesitated to put Frank on this list because he hasn’t exactly released a full body of work, but the few songs that he has released cause a media frenzy. The omnipresent artist thing is cool and all, but I’m in desperate need of a new album from him. 

I have to start off with Chanel because anyone who knows me will vouch for my obsession with this song. I kind you not, I have listened to this song multiple times every day since its release in March. The refrain “see both sides like Chanel” even has people rallying around it, claiming it as a bisexual anthem. 

Then there was Biking featuring Jay-Z and Tyler, the Creator with very contemplative and beautiful lyrics on Frank’s part. Lens and Provider were also great singles, but (besides Chanel) my favorite Frank single of the year is Slide with Calvin Harris and Migos. It’s truly the funk, hip-hop track of my dreams. 

SZA "Ctrl"

I was extremely late to the SZA train because I didn’t get around to listening to Ctrl until November. The undertones of self-love and acceptance, while at the same time dogging out every guy that’s ever done her wrong, all sung in the style of a contemporary jazz singer is a just the perfect combination. Her explicit, unfiltered vulnerability exhibited in songs like Supermodel and Drew Barrymore are what really stick with me and keep me listening.

To say that I love Christmas would be an understatement. The halls are decked to the nines, bells are doing their jingling thing, kids are unusually well behaved, and there’s a genuine feeling of kindness and love in the air. But the best thing about the holidays would have to be the music. Nothing encompasses the spirit of a season better than music. Here are a few of my favs.

Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney

Music from the seventies and eighties music, for me, are hit or miss (mostly miss), but this one has a special place in my heart. I love the Beatles, Paul, and Christmas. Therefore, my love for this song is a given.

Christmas Time Is Here - Lee Mendelson, Vince Guaraldi Trio

The Charlie Brown Christmas special is my favorite special of all time, no doubt. There’s just something about hearing the kids singing and affirming that the holiday season has arrived that gets me so excited. I’ll usually share a link to it through social media the day after Thanksgiving because let’s be real: December should start right after Thanksgiving Day.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside - Idina Menzel, Michael Buble

A jazzy classic, perfect for sitting by the fireside with a guy that’s insisting that you not leave his house. Yes, the overall storyline of the song is very (extremely) creepy, but somehow I end up singing it to myself every year as I’m dragging myself out the door into the cold towards my classes.

Happy Christmas (War Is Over) - John Lennon, Yoko Ono, Harlem Children's Choir

Another Christmas song from another Beatle. Released in the 70s as a protest song against the Vietnam War, it has since been in steady rotation as a holiday classic. Fun Fact: the song’s melody comes from the traditional English song “Skewball.”

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas - Sam Smith

I never loved this song more than I did when I first heard Sam Smith sing it. It starts off with just his vocals and the piano slowly trickles in. He sings with such heart and sincerity that it the song really does come off as a sincere salutation.

Someday At Christmas - Stevie Wonder

Stevie Wonder is one of my favorite musicians, yet out of all the songs in his discography, this one has a special place in my heart. It’s a wish: for dreams to come true, for good fortune, love, joy, and peace for all. I think it’s a song that everyone that everyone can sing.